My failed attempt at a Weegee Santa Claus.

So me and people I know have all talked about how fucked up Santa is and yet everyone for some reason thinks of him as one of the best and good legendary figures of all time. This Tales of Ass Kickery article is a bit different as other people unwittingly helped me write it as well as I spent nearly a month on this instead of just writing it in the moment, making up shit as I go along but that was probably really apparent with the shittiness of my articles. If you’re a little kid, get the hell out of here, in fact what the hell are you even doing on this page? Below are the things we figured out so far, let’s get this horrible fucked up abomination started…

Keeps a list of naughty people, specifically children. I mean who the fuck calls children naughty these days anyway with all the sexual connotations attached to it in present times and just listen to the tone of voice he talks in with all the portrayals of him when he says a child has been naughty this year.

I don’t know how many songs sing about how he cums down people’s chimneys and cums in their houses, probably just on the carpet in the middle of the room… yeah that’s not cat/dog puke you wake up to on Christmas morning. There’s a funny and true story about how I correlated cum to cat puke along with coming up with the specific situation of it being on the carpet in the middle of a room but I’ll save it for another time. I know all written lyrics spell it as “come” but I think this is just a conspiracy to hide Santa’s fucked up intentions or the people writing the lyrics don’t expect Santa Claus who’s made out to be such a good natured fellow to do something like that so they assume it’s come. This also opens the door for… god damn imagine how many breaking and entering charges he would get with going into everyone’s house in the world every year if he was taken into a court of law. Marv and Harry from Home Alone would just love to be able to do that, I bet.

He’s made out to be a stalker in Santa Claus is Coming to Town: “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” Umm so what about people who sleep naked or who die in their sleep? What a cold hearted bastard to just let them die while he watches the whole thing. The whole song even sounds like a cautionary tale of Santa. I mean the start of it sounds like he’s tracking you down to kill you. “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town.”

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He has little kids sit on his lap and beg him. ’nuff said.

He leaves little kids houses with an empty sack like Michael Jackson although this could be because of the above where he cums in peoples houses and down their chimneys and I stole this from a joke (What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? They both leave little kids houses with empty sacks.) someone else made anyway… pretty much like the examples included here other people came up with instead of me and I didn’t ask for permission to include. Damn youtube, where the fuck are you and your suspensions for using material without permission?

He leaves good children presents while he shits a lump of coal out of his ass into the stockings of naughty children and probably molests them also with the above evidence.

Santa has conquered martians before which are generally accepted to be only a product of a mentally ill persons delusions and/or hallucinations. He’s also fought the devil with the aid of Merlin. Yeah I don’t they must of been rolling a D&D dice to determine the circumstances of that last movie but that aside he has to be fucked up in the head to even of appeared in a film like that especially with how fucked up every moment of it is in general without the help of those circumstances. If you’re curious, that comes from a 1959 film from Mexico named exactly after Santa Claus as well as the first thing comes from the movie Santa Conquers the Martians.

The cheerful little song “The Bell that couldn’t Jingle” has a more insidious meaning to it by showing us how mentally ill Santa is with him hearing, and probably also seeing, an inanimate jingle bell crying and talking to him and him interacting back with it.

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He has a workshop full of midgets who are never mentioned to be payed by him which makes it a sweatshop actually. HAHA OH THE IRONY A “SWEAT”SHOP AT THE NORTH POLE OMG IM A GENIUS… cough. He says they’re elves but we all know from Lord of the Rings elves are tall and slender folk. Speaking of which, fucking hell, he has his base of operations at the north pole… even me who loves the cold and only gets cold when it starts getting below 32 degree fahrenheit thinks that’s fucked up. He must of been the secret person funding Cobra in the new G.I. Joe movie since they had a base at the north pole. I smell conspiracy as to why there’s no real permanent residents there aside from Santa who thrives there. Coincidence? I think not. It’s impossible for him to be jolly living there, I watched the presenters on Top Gear go to the North Pole in a race and they got so hostile toward each other because of the bitter cold and one took multiple tries to count to 10 and if I remember right, the guy training them for this said he had plotted how to kill his buddy he went to the North Pole with on the way there because of the cold getting to him.

Look at how Santa treats Jesus Christ in South Park, jesus christ.

He comes before Thanksgiving these days. I think he’s just doing it because the fat ass wants to eat all our Thanksgiving food because on Thanksgiving the asshole busted in through my window, breaking it, and stole all our food. We didn’t even get to have Thanksgiving dinner. He was already fat before he did this, just imagine how obese the fat fucker will be as time goes on.

Santa’s buddies are Jack Frost and Old Man Winter among others who both fuck up and kill people every year. Although Old Man Winter is bad ass even if he’s an old man and people disrespect and don’t value their elders these days. Someone once made the correlation that elderly people are about the same as disposable products with the way people treat them these days in the United States. You thought I was fucked up, what’s wrong with YOU people?

He has rosey cheeks which are most likely from being intoxicated with as jolly as he supposedly is.

Actually damn look at how fucked up all the adults are for lying to little kids of all people by saying an imaginary jolly old man is entering their house and leaving presents while they sleep.

I remember Santa came to our mall one year like he does every year to do photos with kids sitting on his lap… damn that sounds fucked up after I just randomly proofread what I just wrote and I lost my train of thought, I’m serious… oh yeah, when the local news channel came to do a story on him he mysteriously didn’t show up and someone I know who looks like Santa had to dress up like Santa and take his place. I heard Chris Hanson with Dateline was supposed to talk to him that day when the news reporters came. Hmm…

Well anyway that concludes this article. Nothing is sacred around me and I ruin everything and made it sound like we were all better off when Jack Skelington took over Christmas in A Nightmare before Christmas even with all the dangerous things he left as presents. It also makes it seem like global warming if it even existed would be a good thing by destroying the North Pole, and consequently, Santa’s base of operations. I’m probably just bitter by writing this that I stopped getting presents from him coincidentally around the same time everyone kept trying to tell me he isn’t real and yet I kept believing in him. Thanks for rewarding my blind faith in you against the world, Santa. Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah to you.